Installing a Husband

A friend sent me the following email. I thought that it was hilarious, so I forwarded it to Mike. His response to it follows.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.


Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!



Mike's response:

System Check.



Husband 1.0 - running

Romance 9.5 – not optimally configured, check settings

Personal Attention 6.5 – not optimally configured, check settings

NBA 5.0 – not installed

NFL 3.0 – unobtrusive background program

Golf Clubs 4.1 - unobtrusive background program
Conversation 8.0 – An outdated version was detected

Housecleaning 2.6 - Version 1.3 detected

Nagging 5.3 – runs concurrently with Housecleaning 1.3

Tears 6.2 - runs concurrently with Housecleaning 1.3

Guilt 3.0 – a critical error was detected, hit continue to close program

Jewelry 2.0 – application missing

Flowers 3.5 – overwritten by Sam’s Club Arrangement 1.0
Grumpy Silence 2.5 – runs concurrently with Nagging 5.3

Happy Hour 7.0 – runs sporadically

Beer 6.1 – operates in safe mode
Mother-In-Law 1.0 – virus not detected

Cooking 3.0 – optimally configured

Hot Lingerie 7.7 - An outdated version was detected

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I haven't posted since October. Crazy! The days just seem to fly by!

In November I went through a big cleaning fit, so I can honestly say I was too busy to post much and really, who wants to read about how we cleaned out our closet or how we organized the garage? I did spend one entire week overhauling McKenzie's room. We pulled out everything, YES, everything, and shampooed her carpet and painted the walls a soft apple green. then we got rid of three-quarters of her stuff and put the rest back in! It's much easier for her to keep tidy and she has been spending a lot more time in there since. Practicing for the teenager years, I guess.

December saw the usual flurry of holiday shopping, decorating, baking, planning, wrapping, etc. My parents were able to come from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve and we spent a few days with them in Cape Coral, Florida, at a very nice resort. It was nice to get away. I wish we did it more on regular weekends, but getting behind on chores and laundry always freaks me out. I feel like if I let it get out of control I will never be able to rein it in again!

I have no idea where January went! Becca got a Wii for Christmas and she has been playing with that a lot. Kenzie spent a lot of time texting on her new cell phone and Mike was busy working on a grant. But what the heck did I do?? I used the Wii Fit for the first two weeks of January and then stopped. I have felt like a deflated balloon for about 3 or 4 weeks. Just no energy. I thought I was fighting something off, but maybe it's something else? Iron deficiency or something? Not sure. In November and December I was getting so much done on the weekends. The house was clean, I was getting errands done, rearranged the dining room and living room, etc. But I can't think of any accomplishments since Jan. 1!! Oh well, life is a rollercoaster right? With its ups and downs. . .

I'll try to keep up with my blog a little better. Although we don't have much new to report these days! Life is just a constant circle of school, work and chores! But if we have any signficant deviations, I'll let you know!