Installing a Husband

A friend sent me the following email. I thought that it was hilarious, so I forwarded it to Mike. His response to it follows.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.


Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!



Mike's response:

System Check.



Husband 1.0 - running

Romance 9.5 – not optimally configured, check settings

Personal Attention 6.5 – not optimally configured, check settings

NBA 5.0 – not installed

NFL 3.0 – unobtrusive background program

Golf Clubs 4.1 - unobtrusive background program
Conversation 8.0 – An outdated version was detected

Housecleaning 2.6 - Version 1.3 detected

Nagging 5.3 – runs concurrently with Housecleaning 1.3

Tears 6.2 - runs concurrently with Housecleaning 1.3

Guilt 3.0 – a critical error was detected, hit continue to close program

Jewelry 2.0 – application missing

Flowers 3.5 – overwritten by Sam’s Club Arrangement 1.0
Grumpy Silence 2.5 – runs concurrently with Nagging 5.3

Happy Hour 7.0 – runs sporadically

Beer 6.1 – operates in safe mode
Mother-In-Law 1.0 – virus not detected

Cooking 3.0 – optimally configured

Hot Lingerie 7.7 - An outdated version was detected